dragonblade0's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- naked and numb; the symbolism of a worthless necklace i've been falling into the habit of bad days again. i've realised i've been feeling generally worn out and unhappy. i think it's just a combination of all the little things that go wrong everyday, the stress of final exams coming up, unconsciously worrying about this or that, and people. it's no one thing. thats why if someone notices something up, and they don't believe me when i tell them i'm fine.... i can't tell them why, exactly. tanya is such a sweetheart. apparently i wear my heart on my sleeve, because she is convinced i'm totally unhappy. or was today. which i guess she wasn't entirely wrong about. we talked a bit about justin. how he changed. she asked me if i needed a hug... i said 'you're driving'. so she pulled over that instant and pulled me to her, and just sat there and held me. told me it was ok to cry. i almost did. she said 'you know, one day you're going to wake up and realise you're alright. you are alright.' she held my hand the rest of the way home. i love you tanya! got home, disappeared into my room, and kinda broke down. i played some pink floyd, tears streaming. then i found my meteora cd (linkin park) and played the last track - "numb". it all just hit me at once. and as the chorus played {i've become so numb i undid the necklace justin gave me last summer. for 6 months i have worn that necklace, everyday, every hour, 24/7. no exaggeration. i pulled it off and placed it in a drawer i never look in. {i'm becoming this i cried for another 20 minutes. i wore that necklace because i loved him. and even when i knew that love was never going to be returned back, i wore it. and when he told me he couldn't really be my friend, i still wore it. when he moved out and mel essentially moved in, i wore it everyday, without fail. he ignored me. i wore it. he told the world he loved mel, the perfect girl, and my hand never quavered. my neck feels bare and i feel naked without it. every couple of minutes i'm unconsciously rubbing at my neck, aware that something's wrong. but hey, i'll be alright. a little quiet, a little withdrawn, a little worn out. but i'll be just fine. 7:04 p.m. - 2004-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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