dragonblade0's Diaryland Diary

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cheers to ian

you know who's a part of my life but i don't mention nearly often enough? ian. and i feel bad about it cuase he really does mean alot to me, he's one of those rocks that hold me down in this world.

and yet i never find the time to write a word about him.

(hangs my head in shame)

so this is for ian, one amazing guy i'm so glad i know.

last thursday i went to swimming lessons with patrick and jennifer. of course, the main reason i go to swimming is to see the people i know work there, mainly ian and graham, though i haven't seen graham there yet. meh. ian was there this week and i talked with him for a while while he was counting laps. i told him i wasn't sure if i would be in computer science the next day, being the last day before holidays and the best day to skip class. so he says 'you better be or i won't give you your present' i just laughed and said 'liar, you don't have anything for me.' to which he smiled and agreed that no, he didn't have anything for me, but i should come to class anyways.

so i went home and thought that i should find him something just because it'd be funny, cause i told him that that was cool, cause i didn't have anything for him either, which i didn't. i told my mom i wanted to find him something, and she perks up and says 'screwdriver!'

screwdriver.... why the hell would i give him a screwdriver? but after looking at it for a sec, i thought it was absolutely PERFECT. see it's one of those beeper size fold up screwdrivers you can clip to your pants. so, me, being the clever girl i am, (only on some days)put a piece of card on the inside and write

and wrap it in snowman wrapping paper, laughing to myself the rest of the night.

we have computer science the next day first period. i pull out my screwdriver and put it on the desk. ian's jaw drops and he says 'you got me something??' he opens it, is confused, then figures out how to open the damn thing and starts laughing and kinda crying at the same time. he reaches over and gives me a hug, telling me i'm the best. he probably showed it to everyone he talked to that day. he definately showed it to half a dozen people in the space of 4 minutes between classes.

i have to say that that is the best i've felt about any gift i've ever given. it made me feel so great, how great he thought it was. i skipped the rest of the day and had an amazing last day before holidays.

and he really does mean alot... throughout the justin thing, and the thing with graham, whenever i feel bad or upset or lost... my first thought is 'where's ian?' and i'll go find him just for one of his hugs.

at the beginning of the year i called justin while i was supposed to be at a school dance, thinking maybe we could hang out for a bit. he told me he didn't think it was a great idea. he said he thought i was obsessed with him, actually, that 'he had always known (known) that i was obsessed with him, and in the best interests of my mental health, we shouldn't spend time together.' this was after he had been avoiding me for a month, which i plain out asked him if he was (if it'll make you sleep at nightm then yes, i am avoiding you.) he thought he was the reason i OD'd. fuck, the guy is self centered.

but i couldn't take it. i hung up the phone, found a dark corner at the back of a building and sat down and cried my heart out. alone, sitting on a damp step behind a carwash i cried, while most of my friends were either at the school dance or at the local theatre. i couldn't stop, either, i could hardly breathe. eventually i got up and wandered towards the theatre, half hoping the movie was over, half hoping it wasn't, because i seriously wanted to see people i knew, and at the same time, i really didn't. turns out the movie was over, it was dark, no one could see my tearstained cheeks, i felt slightly better. eventually someone figured out there was something wrong and gave me a hug. ian caught on and asked if i was ok, had i OD'd, did i have anything sharp, what had i done. i wouldn't tell him anything other than 'he's right' in which he knew i meant justin. he just knew. so he gave me a hug, wanted to know what happened but i wouldn't tell him, so he just kinda hung out in the background keeping an eye on me. made sure i was ok the next day. and i never told him, but it really made all the difference, really helped me, his concern. his hugs make the world better, you know?

so yea, this is for ian, one of those special people, one of those amazing lifelines i'm thrown, the friendly smile i live for. thanks for being around and putting up with me!

10:08 p.m. - 2003-12-23

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