dragonblade0's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i don't care. no, wait, thats a lie. i've realized that i care way too much. i mean, i'd like to say i don't care and truly mean it. i'd like to not really care about everything. i'd like to not feel quite so much. but i do, and either it's not possible, or i'm incapable of feeling less. i care about people the most. they mean the world to me, they are my world. especially my friends. i would have to say that my friends are the biggest influence in my life. i love so many of them, and just knowing alot of them makes me feel great. but they hurt too. i would do anything for my friends. i try and help, i try and be there for them. if they need me, i'm there. i had someone call me one night in tears, telling me they just swallowed every pill they could find. i stayed calm. told them i was coming to get them. my mom drove me out to her place and we waited for the ambulance to come and get her. we followed to the hospital and i stayed until i was told i had to go home. i was back 6 hours later in the morning. my mom brought her home, and me to school. i feel asleep in english class that day. truly fell asleep, almost fell off my chair, had the whole class looking at me, just waiting for me to snap out of it. and i'd do it again in an instant. every once in a while my best friend breaks down and calls me, crying, saying she needs to get out of the house. mom and i go and get her. she stays at my place for days at a time. i let my friends influence my mood too much, too. someones having a bad day, and i'm bummed out for them. someones in a super fantastic mood, and i'm smiling for hours. they're concerned, i'm concerned. you get the idea. some people make me feel helpless knowing them. i know theres something wrong. i know theres something they just won't tell me, and no matter what i do, i can't get to them. i can't make them smile, can't make them happy. i can't do a damn thing about the invisible weight on their chest and the cruel hands pushing them down. i can't do a thing; and that pulls me down. that makes me feel absolutely powerless. i fell in love with a person like that once; because i cared. i cared for them so much. but that was then, and now i know i fell in love with someone who didn't exist, who doesn't exist anymore. see what i get for caring? an ever constant ache in my body. somedays all i want to do is reach out and wrap my arms around someone, pull them close to me and breathe them in, hold them close, and just stay like that; peaceful. but i can't, and it physically hurts, my entire being, mind, body and soul, aches. i try not too but it just laughs at me. sigh. i care about little things, big things, irrelevant things. and i get the feeling that sometimes people find me slightly too er, intense to deal with. most days i'm either fairly happy, or just low. moreso low these days. not depressed, or sad, just exhausted. i sleep 9 hours a night, and i'm still just plain exhausted. tired of people, tired of responsibilities, tired with my life and the emotion i feel. so if you see me in the street one day, no expression on my face, it's because i'm trying not to care. but i know i always will, so i think i'm off to timmy's to sit with a coffee and write. something. whatever comes to mind... 5:00 p.m. - 2004-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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