dragonblade0's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- heh, update FUCK. i had the beginning of a decent entry going but then i accidentally clicked on something and it was GONE.... go figure. every time i update using the diaryland text box it ALWAYS disappears on me. you would think i would just not bother ever. normally i don't. but when i do.... ugh. you'd think i'd learn. alllllll right. so let's try this again. in short, my mom mentioned to my dad that i was going out with graham, unaware i hadn't mentioned anything to him. needless to say he was mildly unimpressed, mainly because mom had already known this for the past week, and he doesn't pay enough attention to anything to have seen this himself. for instance, he believes graham is my first boyfriend. and although i never actually told my mom about jason or tim, mainly cause they were so insignificant, she just knows, you know? my dad on the otherhand.... yea. not likely. anyways... graham's been great so far. though last week we went to a party and me being me, i kinda sidle off into the background. every once ina while though i'd hang around with graham, but not, just there, listening, but not participating. and a few days later he said he found it really weird how he could go to a party with me and make a better connection with someone he didn't know than with his own girlfriend. (he was talking with some girl ericka, oddly he told all the same stories he'd shared with me as of that point in time). he says he feels this gap between us. a gap... what kind of gap? i ask. "well we can't seem to talk eye to eye, you just listen, and well, I need someone to talk, with and really talk with. this gap is not physical it is sorta I don't know, intuitional as if though you try there is something behind that i can't touch or see, and then I can't seem to be open or totaly honest and wow, i feel like such an idiot these days" yea.... thats what he said. and i look back on it now and it confuses me. it makes me wonder what does he feel i'm holding back that he can't touch or see? generally i think i'm a fairly open person... and thats what i've been told it is, that he wants to get closer to me but feels i'm holding back. i explained that i'm willing to share, i'm willing to let him really know me as a person... but it'll take a little bit of time. i mean, the only person i have ever had such an open relationship with was justin. for while there was absolutely nothing between us the other didn't know. i knew him better than his girlfriend, actually. and that relationship took time. i had known him months, practically a year. ah well. i am working on bridging this gap between us, i would hate to lose him. talking to mandy the other night and telling her this... she thinks maybe what graham feels is just an automatic wall i've put up because some people hold back so much... something i'm not even aware i'm doing. then she kinda smiled and said 'you know what? graham's ok. you will never really regret being with him. with him, you really CAN relax and just be you.' see, mandy's my psychic friend. she does tarot cards and has weird creepy psychic feelings. and as much as part of me says that's completely and total bull, i actually have a lot of faith in what she tells me. with that in mind, out of nowhere she says: ' you make him smile. theres something about you that he can't quite put his finger on, this wonderful quality of you-ness that has him feeling so damn lucky to be dating you. he's afraid of losing you, because of the distance. afraid to push, but afriad not to. he's very insecure.' something along those lines anyways... very close to that. and i mean, it;s not from his mouth, but hearing this makes me feel alot better. i was really concerned about this gap, i was worried this was going to be another failed, pointless week or 2 relationship i'd end up denying. and it's not like i'm not still concerned, just a lot less worried than i was before, now it's like i know i can work at this. so it's all good. and it's so great mandy has good things to say about graham... she's never been able to tell me anything good about any guy i've found even remotely important. so good feelings on mandy's part makes me feel just that much more secure. yea. so thats the update on graham. i'm happy. i think he is too. atthe pool last night he was summoned over to talk to someone and i hear an excited 'is that her?' 'yea' 'well bring her over!' so i met this guy jon who had a great smile on his face... undoubtably i've been mentioned in high esteem, which makes me feel great. heh, yea. kay's loved. all right i'll stop rambling now :D have a good night everyone! 12:04 a.m. - 2004-03-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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