dragonblade0's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- frustrated profanity oh, before you get into this, i dunno what i'm going to say, and it may be a little embarasing on my part, so if you don't feel like getting into that, just skip this. right. so it's christmas day, quarter to 11, and for some reason i'm finding myself in a weird sorta mood that i don't know what it is but i'm not happy. fuck. i was talking to a friend about feelings, guys. how she's surrently confused and not sure what to do. and it got me thinking again. about graham, about guys, about how pathetic i think i am. because i'll look in the mirror and get struck with this feeling that i can't ever imagine someone er, wanting me in any way shape or form. i just don't believe that. fucking mirrors. and it frustrates me that i keep having run ins with guys that never go anywhere or blow up in my face. like with graham, at first i thought i wanted to go out with the guy. even then i knew it was a kinda lust idea. now i couldn't care less, i just want to touch the guy again, not be touched back, i just want to touch him. sigh. but i know that won't happen, and what would the point be, cause then i would just be torn about him, cause as much as i say i could do a one night stand sort of idea, i read the book, i know i'll probably get it stuck in my head that i want something more and end up hating myself about it. nah... i could deal with that. and oh god would it be fun. however, i keep getting this feeling i want to have something at least semi meaningful with someone. i want to feel loved, i want to be able to hold someones hand and spend casual time together. it seems like i'm always centered around a guy. i go to sleep, my head hits the pillow and instantly theres a guy in my head. i'm wondering about them, imagining things. for a while it was graham, but i don't really want to think of him, so i try to think of something else and i'll end up on justin. well fuck, i don't want to remember him and the addictive efects he has and everything i hear him say everything i see him do, i want to cry and smack him across the head and tell him to leave, but i can't, cause he's in my head, and they never listen when they're in there. so i shove him out of the way and graham steps up in his place. i know nothings going to happen, but damn.... why can't i touch him? and then through a forcible shift in thought i find ian. oh wonderful ian who's going out with allison. he should be safe. comfy thoughts of hanging out in hallways and the conversations we have during computer science. but then i'll find myself wishing he wasn't going out with allison. goddammit! get over it, why can't you just fall asleep and stop thinking... oh and you know even if he wasn't going and what would the point be? then he'd just avoid you and you'd never get around to watching the wall, which you're so looking forward to. so i try to find something safe to think about until i manage to bully my brain into sleeping, but it never works. why do i always have to be so sad and frustrated about the whole deal. why can't i just find graham one day, say, hey, this is what i think, this is me being brutally honest, could we spend some time together? and why can't i just forget about justin? i'm trying so hard to forget how he used to be, the things he said, the things he did, how he made me feel. i just want to forget. thats why i want graham. and why can't you just be happy with being friends with people? why do you always have to have SOMEONE on your mind, someone you want something from in one way or another, why can't you stop thinking??? about people nonetheless?? why do i have to make such a fuss about it, and always be so fucking weird... i swear, i'm always so afraid someone's thinking i'm unstable. everything i say to whoever i'm currently focusing one seems to be the wrong thing. everything i do. but this is what you get for starting not knowing where you're going... a page of pointless rambling not knowing what i'm saying, just trying to explain something you already know. i think i'll leave now. 11:18 p.m. - 2003-12-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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